Now, maybe you've already seen this? It was on Mandy's wall and it made me laugh like the laugh you have when something is funny and clever and you don't really laugh loud, but you laugh inside.
You know?
Anyway, here is a list of The Worst Similies Ever. (Emily, these are for you especially). I pretty much stole this from another blog, so to ease my guilt I am inviting you to check out said blog:
House of Figs. Now, H of F had a crap load - and they are all funny. But me, I'm thinking of you, I'm thinking about how much time you have to spend on this blog. So I cut it down. Not really to my favorites, more to a manageable but random list.
#3 is for Marion
#4 for Jason, b/c he knows that sound all to well - and he gets #28 too b/c no one else would
#9 is for Collin Booker
#10 is for Speech Paths everywhere. Except the three of you that can do math. You people are on your own.
#12 is for Stephanie, my swim teacher partner
#17 is for Emily - oh and Em, you might as well have #21
#22 is for my Dad
#26 is for Lara b/c she can totally tell
#32 for my Sister Wife
And if you're sitting there thinking. "Geez Jenn, where's my simile? How come I don't have one of my very own?" Well, y'all can share #33 b/c I wrote it just for you.
oh, and by the way: Eggs in sugar cookies: not nearly as vital as you might think.
Borrowed from
House of Figs
- Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
- Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
- John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
- She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
- The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
- Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
- She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
- The lamp just sat there, like an inanimate object.
- McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
- Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across
the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having
left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka
at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
- Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
- The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
- She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
- The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
- The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
- It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
- The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
- Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
- Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a
movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like “Second
Tall Man.”
- The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin
sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
- The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
- Fishing is like waiting for something that does not happen very often.
- Her eyes were shining like two marbles that someone dropped in mucus and then held up to catch the light.
- I felt a nameless dread. Well, there probably is a long German name
for it, like Geschpooklichkeit or something, but I don’t speak German.
Anyway, it’s a dread that nobody knows the name for, like those little
square plastic gizmos that close your bread bags. I don’t know the name
for those either.
- She was as unhappy as when someone puts your cake out in the rain,
and all the sweet green icing flows down and then you lose the recipe,
and on top of that you can’t sing worth a damn.
- Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter.
- It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before.
- Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access
T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by
mistake.
- You know how in “Rocky” he prepares for the fight by punching sides
of raw beef? Well, yesterday it was as cold as that meat locker he was
in.
- The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.
- Her lips were red and full, like tubes of blood drawn by an inattentive phlebotomist.
- The sunset displayed rich, spectacular hues like a .jpeg file at 10
percent cyan, 10 percent magenta, 60 percent yellow and 10 percent
black.
- They were feeling left out, like the last egg salad sandwich that should have been thrown out but instead stayed on the counter and started to have its own distinct, stronger than before, aroma.
